Learn…and Move On

I originally intended to blog only the diary entries of my protagonist. She has so much of my past in her story though, and this post resonates with the purpose of her creation in my writing. Learn. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, with human err, we will have our periods of more or less. We may completely avoid memories and repeat the same mistakes. We may wish to change them and miss the life around us. As long as we have the goal in sight and come back to that safe middle ground of learning, we can recall experiences & use them as tools for what we work on today.

I’m on location shooting a film this week, so my posts will be short but (hopefully) sweet. Thought for the Week If we are wise (and if we are not, …

Learn…and Move On

Dear Diary

May 2nd, 2020

I’m mad at him for lying about the pill, for getting me laid out like that so he could do what he wanted. I’m mad at myself too. I’m so embarrassed about what he saw. I woke up naked, in this awful position, folded all weird. I was worried about what he thought of my body. Why should I even care? He had no right to do that to me or see me, much less judge me. I hate that I care.

Author’s Notes:

Olivia was raised in a household where the man was to be pleased. Her desire to do that was engrained into her subconscious, whether she liked it or not. Olivia hated it. That is, when she recognized it. Her behaviors would show otherwise. She put a boyfriend above herself. She would shout down with a guy out of fear of displeasing him. She didn’t realize these things until afterwards. She was usually oblivious to her subservient behaviors. Being ashamed of how her date rapist viewed her body was a slap in her face, revealing how much emphasis she truly placed on making men happy.

The truth is, men and women are very different and also equal. Many men are leaders, but none of them would be here without their mother’s childbirth. Men and women both have roles to play, and their strengths are equally important. Shutting either one down destroys the relationship.

Olivia’s realizations and anger are the first sign of a healthy outlook from her. She was raised in a household that was called “perfect” by all her friends and her parents’ friends. Their perfection was envied. The way they did things must have been perfect too, or so that was what she learned. A lot of terrible things happened behind closed doors. Terrible things were happening behind Olivia’s fake smiles now that she was following the lead she was taught at home.

Dear Diary

April 16, 2020

Nobody gets me. How can they? Nobody knows me. People at school think I’m the new girl. My family thinks I’m still the sweet lovable dork they raised. I don’t know where the real me falls on that spectrum. I’m just running from the Black Hole. I hope it goes away. Maybe then I can figure out who I am.

Author’s Notes:

We all need connection with other people, an honest connection. We can’t be afraid people will walk if they know where you stand. That is better than not being real. The one time Olivia vulnerably reached out to Kayla, she received guidance. It would be wise to continue talking with Kayla, but Olivia shut her mouth and became stuck in her own head. The sheltered example Olivia saw at home wasn’t working for her, so she ran in the opposite direction of rebelling. Overcorrection is just as unhealthy as the problem we start with. Talking about our issues gives us the opportunity to seek advice. Olivia chose to keep the nightmares to herself because she thought nobody would understand. She had tried as a child to explain them to her mom, but gave up when that failed. When Olivia finally speaks up in counseling, she is given tasks for uncovering the mystery behind the nightmares. She is able to deal with the root of her problems by first discovering what that is.

Dear Diary

April 10th, 2020

I wish they would let me stay home from Mass. Last week was so cringy. I couldn’t pray right when I was good. Now I walk into the church and want to slink through the floor. I look the same. People still smile at me the same way. But God knows what I’ve done. He doesn’t want someone like me in His house.

Author’s Notes:

Someone smart said that sinners need church like sick people need doctors. Sometimes we are afraid of getting the spiritual help we need because we see so many perfectly dressed, smiling people at church who seem to have their lives together. A messy life like ours isn’t welcome there. We need to get it together a little more before showing up. The truth is that nobody’s life is perfect, but there is a reason most people at church are smiling. Church gives us the peace we search for. Taking action to improve will never bring shame. It’s a sign of bravery and honesty. The shameful choice would be to realize you need help but chose not to accept it out of fear.

Dear Diary

April 3rd, 2020

I went out with Lance tonight. Everyone thinks he’s cute, so I guess he is. He was nice. I guess. He wanted me to talk more. He seemed let down with me. What did he expect? It wasn’t school; it was a date. I’m not going to be the same way when I’m on a date. Dates are so boring. We went to a car show. It might have been cool to check out with Ginny. Acting like a perfect lady doesn’t allow for fun. I did the important things and stayed polite. Mom would have approved. Neither of us had a good time, but he still tried to kiss me at the door. He breathed through his mouth the whole night. I really didn’t want to get close to him, much less put my mouth on his, but I’m not rude. I kissed him back. It was gross, but quick.

Author’s Notes:

Olivia’s home life taught her to submit out of fear, not trust. She was trained to do things against her will simply because a man wanted her to. Kids may learn proper behaviors intellectually throughout the years, but they will model what they see. It can be a beautiful thing for a man to be a leader. If he loves his wife and children, all his decisions will be in their best interest. Trusting him would be smart and natural. The abuse in Olivia’s household clearly shows love was not the motive for their patriarch. Olivia learned to obey, regardless of instincts or logic telling her otherwise. She learned to shut down the voices of opposition out of fear of punishment. She learned to please a man regardless of what she thought or felt about it. That trait didn’t disappear when she became old enough to be intimate.

Although Olivia started out with flawed examples at home, there is hope for her to begin healthy relationships. Just as she was trained to be ultimately submissive at all costs, she can be trained to stand firm in her beliefs and allow her value to be brought to the table. In her home, speaking her mind brought punishment. Outside her home, she will find that not listening to her gut will be what brings about negative consequences. Counseling will help point out this reality far quicker than learning on her own. Fortunately, she admires the psychologist immediately. The first therapy session gives support to and validates Olivia’s concerns.